Read!

Read my newest blog!

http://overcomingsi.blogspot.com/

-Emily

New Blog!

Hey everyone!
I started a new blog called Overcoming Self Injury find it here http://overcomingsi.blogspot.com/ .
It focuses on overcoming the act of self injury rather than the act itself. It will feature personal experiences of from myself and from others on overcoming SI. This blog is no longer going to be updated so follow the link to the knew one! Please read!
-Emily

Self Injury As An Addiction

The next topic I want to discuss with this blog is self injury as an addiction. When someone is cutting, burning, purging, etc, they are using it as a coping mechanism. When someone drinks alcohol to become drunk or drugs to get high they are also using that as a coping mechanism. So when we put the two together side by side we can see that self injury can be addiction just like drugs and alcohol. People who cut often describe their cutting as an addiction because they become to used to the feeling that they can't stop. From a personal prospective I agree with that entirely. It can take years of fighting it and yet people still can't stop. It's is something familiar, something they find comfort in, and they simply cannot stop. I look forward to speaking with people about their experiences.
-Emily

Returning to the blog

This blog began as a way for me to let others see the truth behind self injury. It means something different to every person. Some want pain, others want release, and others feel like it's the only way to feel normal. This blog was for a class, just a few months, once or twice a week. I had no idea how many people I would be helping, how many people would be reading this like a book waiting for a real conclusion. I've decided to start again, or continue from where I left off. Please share this with others whether they need help themselves or you know someone who needs to understand self injury. I thank you for reading this, it's inspired me to write about self injury again and it's something very close to me.
To continue the blog I will ask a new question to follow up from Self Injury and the Body. When I find more information I will write again and I hope you're all here to read it.
-Emily

Analysis

photo from the fb page

Much ground has been covered throughout this ethnography but a main thread I want to address is how a self injurer lives and copes with their scars and cuts. Every person deals with it in a certain way because we all have different levels of comfort and self acceptance. In some cases people go to all lengths to hide what they've done because they are ashamed, embarrassed, or insecure. By wearing long sleeve shirts and sweaters year round they provide some form of a safety net for themselves. As we saw with KK, she was well aware of the fact that she would have scars so she scratched instead so the healing process would be quick and easy to hide. To this day she keeps any visible marks covered. She lives with those marks, they are a part of her and always will be. With KL she was more upfront with her experience with cutting. She began as a need for attention in a sibling dominated world and as she got older she needed something less visible and turning to sleep medication gave her just that. She lives with self injury by taking on a silent approach and one could argue that she's not living with it, she's surviving it. Some of her scarring is covered by tattoos but even layers of ink cannot cover an insecurity so big. JS was entirely different, he has the ability to go through life with scars and cuts out in the open. If someone asks about the marks he changes the subject or simply doesn't answer. His marks are like rings of a tree, they're part of him and he lives with them as a reminder that sometimes makes him and stop and think about what he's doing to himself.

When I look back at my observations of the facebook page it is easy to see that the page is used as a coping mechanism. A place where you can find uplifting quotes and pictures, helpful wall posts that get you through the day, and where you can ask for help and someone will always be there to help answer. Hundreds of members scan the page daily just to see what it has to offer. While the page itself is not a substitute for a therapist, it is a perfect place to seek refuge in between appointments, or during those days where you need a pick me up or some advice. It is an important factor in living with self injury. A typical self injurer is much stronger than he or she thinks they are. It takes a lot to go days or weeks or even months wearing long sleeves especially in hot weather, it takes a lot to hide behind a fake smile, and it takes a lot to be able to look at their scars and say I am me and I am beautiful. Every self injurer is different. They do it on different levels, different body parts, with different objects but the end result will always be a cut/burn and a scar of some sort. Self injury affects the body in multiple ways and it is because of this that coping is so important. The hardest part is being able to get through every day of your life with those marks on your skin and that is what coping with and living with SI is really about, getting through each day one day at a time because that's all you can do.

One on One with JS

I recently got a man's point of view on self injury and the body. Instead of a back and forth interview I sent him a list of questions and let him answer them the best he could so it is in a different format. To keep everything private I'll refer to him as JS.

JS: My story-- Short story is my wife left me and I'm hurting. The stress from that plus losing my job and house broke me. I say I'm broken because what I do.

How do I hurt myself?
I started out by rubbing my head when I'm down and losing my mind. Then the rubbing turns into scratching myself. Sometimes I knew I was doing it sometimes I didn't. I would scratch until I felt blood. I would feel the blood before I felt the pain. Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I started cutting myself last year, and I still do.

Visible scars? 
Yes I do I cut on my arms with a box cutter.

How do I view my body?
I have always been over weight and have never really like the way I look. I have been working out. I have lost a lot of weight. But yes I think my self esteem is low and has always been low.

Do you hide it (cuts/scars)? 
No not really, cause I cut on my four arms most of the time. I have cut before on my bicep to hide the cuts. But sometimes when I feel like cutting I just don't care. I use to scratch on my four head. You can't really hide those. I look at my scars and I can remember some of them. They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. The low parts.

Have people seen my scars? 
Kinda, they have seen my fresh cuts and scratches. They ask about them and I don't really answer them. It would freak them out to much if I told them.

Change about my body? 
I want to be fit. I think bring fit would raise my confidence more around other people.

There is one more thing, for some reason I take pictures of my cuts. I don't know why I'm doing that. Maybe it's to hold on to something. Also now I get the urge to want to cut on stuff I use to be able to handle before. I know I'm still down about my wife leaving me. Maybe that's why I get the urge. I'm always on the point of breaking.

EG: From a male's perspective do you feel as if you view your scars and cuts in a different way compared to women? Women tend to be very insecure about scars for the most part, so how do you feel about that from your perspective? Do they make you uncomfortable to see them on your body?

JS: My scars don't bother me that much until someone see them. I don't like trying to explain them. Sometimes though I look at them and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self?
So I guess I go back and forth on that feeling. Sometimes it bothers me sometimes it doesn't.

End Interview

Talking with JS opened another door in my whole discussion of self injury. While most people I observe or talk to one on one prefer to hide their self injury as if its a big secret or something to be ashamed of, JS isn't entirely like that. He is well aware of what he's doing and even though he finds it hard to speak to people who ask questions he still cuts in a very visible place and he doesn't cover it. Now, there isn't anything wrong or bad about this because every self injurer is different. Some choose to hide it, some choose to accept it as part of their life and if someone doesn't like it then that's that persons problem. JS was very open with me by telling me all of this and I'm very happy to have been able to talk with him. Some of the things he said really stuck out. He began his self injury problem with scratching his head until it bled and he felt pain, then he says, Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I found this to be interesting because I feel like a lot of people start doing it this way, it feels right. Now for the average person this sounds crazy but if you're in the right mind set then it could feel right to cut. Some people smoke, some drink, and some cut. he went on to discuss his story a little further and then while discussing his scars said, They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. This is another thing many people say to describe their scars but he put it beautifully. To many, scars tell a story but JS worded it in a way that shows how his scars are a story and the rings of a tree are always growing so in a way his story and his struggle is a growing life experience whether it's good or bad. JS takes pictures of his cuts and while some people may say that's not normal, it's a way for him to hold onto something like a piece of evidence. It's so interesting how different people are with this topic. I didn't see much a gender difference with self injury when comparing my interviews. I don't really believe that men deal with it any different than a woman does except for maybe a man feeling for macho about it but when talking with JS I didn't get that feeling at all. He is simply a man struggling with SI and doing the best he can and I think that's the best thing a person can do aside from getting professional help. The last thing I would like to mention is what he said at the end of our discussion. Sometimes though I look at them (scars/cuts) and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self? It takes a lot for a self injurer to be able to take a step back and ask themselves that. There isn't always a perfect answer, sometimes there's no answer at all and sometimes we have an answer but we're too scared to say it. Any alcoholic or drug addict can ask themselves the same question and the cold hard truth is that at some point you need to come up with an answer no matter how scary it is or how much it hurts. Thank you JS for your help, it was wonderful talking to you.

Online Support Forums: Good or Bad

(one of the many pictures you can find by searching self injury on Google)

The support page itself is very quiet and I wanted to take a look into the pro's and con's of online forums for self injury support. So I stepped outside of Facebook and searched online and found a very interesting article on this subject exactly.
Using an online forum support can be beneficial for a number of reasons. One of the main positive effects of these forums is the decrease of stigma associated with SI through the internet. Typically when a self injurer is "Called out" on their behavior it is clear to see the stigma that surround them. They are seen as emo kids or social outcasts. However by creating an online profile and posting it on the world wide web, you've entered a world where no one knows you. You can seek out peer support and take whatever advice you want. Many forums offer chat rooms where you can go to distract you from the urge to self injure while other pages offer games and puzzles as distractions. There are literally thousands of online resources available which can also be a plus because you have so many choices. However this can be counteracted when we look at the increase in social isolation. Self injurers tend to isolate in general however when you factor in the internet you are literally one in 5 or 6 million and the support you're getting is peer support not professional support. Another major downfall that many people don't realize is that most of these sites allow users to post video's and photos of self injury related things ranging from fresh cuts and burns to bloody razors and even video of clips of self injury being done. This is what I find to be the biggest set back to using internet support because you really never know what it is you're getting yourself into. So how can we relate this issue back to the idea of self injury and the body? It is hard to answer this without some first hand accounts of it which I unfortunately do not have right now. From my prospective however I think using the internet for support allows the person more freedom with their struggles, if they have the urge to show what they've done or tell their story (which happens with a lot of people who simply can't contain it)they can write posts and post images. If they're normally afraid to expose themselves this gives them the chance to put themselves out there and in many cases the person may be hiding it but secretly they want help or they want someone to say something to them to give them reason to seek help. Of course this is my opinion on it and I'm trying to find some people to talk to about it. So my final stance on this topic is that there are positives to using online support but I think there is a point where you have to step back into reality and seek actual help preferably professional help.

Here is the link to the article.

http://www.socialworker.com/home/Feature_Articles/Professional_Development_&_Advancement/Impact_of_the_Internet_on_Self-Injurious_Behaviors/

Do scars make us who we are?

Although the page has been extremely quiet over the past couple of weeks I have contacted another member and I plan on speaking with him soon. Meanwhile I thought it would be interesting to do a freewrite on one of the photos in the “pictures’ tab. The photo is of a piece of paper possibly stuck on a piece of glass. The paper reads “Every scar I have makes me who I am”. So far in this ethnography it’s easy to see that a lot of people are ashamed or do not make any of their scars visible. But I question myself on that because are they really ashamed and is it something that embarrassing to the person? I myself do not believe scars are something that need to be hidden forever but I understand that at first it is a frightening thought and you feel vulnerable. But eventually this feeling passes whether it’s days, weeks, months, or years but it does happen. No matter what it is that caused that scar; self injury, an accident, or anything really that scar does make you who you are. In a way it is a reminder of whatever it is that happened and reminders can be a painful experience but in another way the scar is prove that you were injured but that you made it out alive. Now we can ask ourselves, what is the logic behind any of this? From my perspective, there is no logic. Every human being is unique in how they approach something like this. I’ve met many cutters in the past and not one of them is the same at the others. Some of them are comfortable with showing their scars and some of them wouldn’t dare to take off their sweater. Because of all this, it’s hard to pinpoint the “why” but really that’s not what should be the focus in discussions based on self injury. Instead the focus should be on the individual not the entire self injuring body. When we can address the individual person then we can figure out the details. So when I saw the photo of the piece of paper I remembered the words of someone I met a few years ago. She was a self injurer and during one of our conversations she said, my scars are evidence that I survived. So if you fell off your bike and cut your face, or if you deliberately harmed yourself either way you have a scar that is a reminder of that event and a reminder that you survived.

One on One with KL

This is a one on one discussion I had recently with one of the members of the facebook page. Again I'll use her initials to protect her privacy.

EG- how are you?

KL- I am very well - thank you.

EG- Great. So any background you'd like to share. It's up to you, age, and occupation anything you feel comfortable sharing

KL- Currently, unemployed - just babysitting for my brother for a little extra money..I am 29, married since 2003, no children...suffer from depression since I was a teenager...I am very shy and keep to myself - so I do not go out often...what about me would you like to know - I am not embarrassed to share anything - so just ask away.

EG- Alright great! What type(s) of self injury do you or have you done?

KL- I have cut my wrists a lot over the past few years...burned myself with a cigg...I have a huge scar on my left hand from that...I have also ODed on over the counter stuff but not enough that would require a visit to the hospital. So, currently, just abuse medications...I am not a drinker

EG- How old were you when you first stared self injuring

KL- I would have to say around 14 or 15 years old

EG- Why did you start self injuring as a teenager?

KL- I think at first, it was for the attention - I grew up in a home with 5 older siblings but as time went on - I found that the pain it caused on the outside helped alleviate the pain and depression I was feeling on the inside. So, I continued self injuring but made sure people couldn't tell I caused most of the injury - if anyone ever asked about the marks on me - I would find one thing or another to blame - and surprisingly - people always bought my stories. Now, I just do meds - so no one can see what I inflict on myself

EG- Where are the majority of the scars/mark on your body? Arms? Legs? Sides?

KL- Arms - I got tattoo(s) to help cover some of the marks

EG- That's really interesting, I don't know a lot of people that have gotten scars covered with tattoos. Do you feel more comfortable now that they're covered? If so can you explain a little more about why you decided to have them covered?

KL- Quite the opposite really, yes, the tattoos help the overall appearance...but the scars are still noticeable depending on how closely someone looks. I am proud of every scar I inflicted on myself...to me, they are experiences in my life - though, not the proper way to cope according to others...but as I look at them...I think, you have to be a strong person to be able hurt yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person. A bad person to me, is someone who approaches people like me and tells me I am weak and pathetic...I have been to therapy and always felt judged...no one should have to ever feel judged like that

EG- I agree 100%. And you said earlier that to hide your self injury you now abuse pills so it's less obvious. This brings me to another part of the question, how self injury affects the body. By abusing pills would you say it is affecting your body by harming it internally compared to cutting which is external?

KL- Yes, I believe it has caused irreversible damage...I get panic attacks often...I have irregular menstrual cycles - can't seem to have a child - I have miscarried 3 times in the past 3 years (and no, I wouldn't take anything while being pregnant) but for some reason, I can't carry a child beyond 2 months - doesn't help my depression any...the more depressed I feel - the more over the counter sleep meds I take...I fight the effects of anything I take - I guess that is my way of inflicting harm to myself - people can't see it - so I feel safe from be found out or judged...but at the same time, I know I am killing myself-that thought is scary but I can't help it...I feel compelled to keep doing it even though I feel terribly sick while I fight the effects of whatever I took.

EG- I'm sorry to hear about that. That's something no woman wants to ever have to deal with. Why do you think you feel so compelled to continue using the pills? In other words if you really know and really have seen what happens when you abuse them is there a specific reason why you feel so compelled to continue using them

KL- I want nothing more than to just sleep my life away...(just sleep aids)...I hate life...I dislike being in the company of people - I have been picked on, judged, and more thanks to people-it is like I am targeted-for some reason, I always have people who pick on me no matter where I go - I have been through 3 jobs in the past 2 years and I stopped working because I am sick of being put through that. I am quiet and never start problems but it seems I am always other people target. So, I take the pills - the same amount doesn't effect me because I have built up tolerance - so I take more to feel the effects...I guess I continue to do it because it is the only thing I feel I have control of...yes, it makes me ill...but I don't care. If I die - so be it...it is just better than dealing with all my emotional turmoil. No one can help - I have been to therapists - I have learned to keep quiet...keeps me safe from being judged.
Maybe, if I wasn't always picked on - things might have been different...this is a habit that has been going on for 11 years.
I always think about death and being free from all my emotional and financial problems. Well, I hate to cut this short but I have to get going

EG- Thank you so much!

End interview...

What I found interesting about KL is her ability to be very open about pretty much every aspect of her story. She did not hold back about anything and she was more than happy to go into detail whenever possible. She isn't like a lot of the people I have talked to in the past and by this I mean she knows that the behavior she has isn't really safe and could potentially harm her very badly if not kill her but she's at the point where she feels like if that's the case then so be it. We are all different, we all approach situations in different ways, I am not here to talk down to people or make them feel bad but I am here to help people see the reality of self injury. It's a very scary subject for a lot of people especially those who have never encountered it either by themselves or another person. Something to keep in mind more than anything. But back to KL, she started out as a very typical self injurer by cutting and as she grew she realized she didn't want to draw attention to herself and switched to abusing sleep aids as a silent treatment for her emotions. KL also got tattoos done over her scars to cover them as much as possible but even with a deep layer of ink you can still see the marks if you're close enough. I really enjoyed talking with KL because she was honest about the fact she was made fun of as a child, how she may have started cutting as a way for attention, how she's struggled with depression, miscarriages, losing her job and abusing over the counter medications. She knew she had scars and she wasn't afraid to admit it and try to cover them. Is covering them a sign of being ashamed of them? Not necessarily. Having scars is one thing but having visible scars is another. is not only what people see but it's what you see and if you don't like what you see then you can cover it even if it's just enough to not make them as noticeable. We can take KL as an example of the self injurer who truly wants to hide their self injury. She basically took something external and made it strictly internal. This isn't just figuratively but literally, abusing medications hurts your body in many ways but for someone who seems to have given up this state of mind and body is okay. KL takes it day by day and she's not afraid to say it. I really enjoyed talking with KL and I wish her all the best.

Observations: Insecurities and Self Injury

I was planning an "encounter" today but it's being postponed so instead I'm going to observe and report on the FB page itself.


 "There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."  -quote from SI Awareness page July 11th 2011


The site is extremely quiet other than a few wall posts from those who "like" the page. I see a post from last month from a young woman. She describes her lengthy fight with self injury, a full 13 years long. She goes into talking about some of her deepest scars that she knows will never go away. The following Thursday after she posted this marked an entire year without cutting. The rest of her post is about expanding peoples knowledge about the behavior in general and how it is misunderstood by many in society but really that's nothing new to this page. It's strange how some people have these deep scars that no amount of time can ever fade away but those people can accept the fact that those scars will never fade entirely. Others however will do anything they can remove such marks. 


Imagine yourself now. Do you have insecurities? If so what are they? Are you insecure about your weight, your height, your face, toes? Now think about what it's like for you to go to class, eat lunch with a friend, meet with a professor. Can your classmates see that you're insecure about your weight/height/etc? You can hide these things so that by having lunch with a friend they can't tell you're insecure about something unless you say it to them. 


Now imagine yourself in the place of someone who self injures by cutting. Imagine it's winter time. You spend at least one day a week cutting on your arms. You can hide those cuts with sweaters, coats, sleeves until they heal and form a scar and by not waving your arms around for everyone to see. Imagine the temperature going up to 70 degrees in the spring time and you take off the sleeves for the first time. Those scars are there and unless you physically cover them up, people will see it and most importantly you will see it. Everyday it is a constant reminder that you have insecurities that people can see. So imagine meeting with a professor and you forget to put on a jacket and the moment your professor looks over they see those marks and you suddenly feel more insecure than ever because it is permanent.


I say this because it is something that is found in nearly every person in the world, we all have insecurities no matter how big or small they are. But when we factor in self injury of all kinds, even to go as far as to include trichotillomania (the compulsion to pull out hair) and eating disorders, we can see and understand better how  having something like a bald patch (trich), ribs showing (eating disorders), cuts, scars, or burns can take one's insecurity from one level to another in a matter of minutes. It doesn't take days or weeks to make a cut or a burn so the insecurity can't build up like if someone were to gain weight. This is seconds to minutes, once that first cut is made it's there and there is no going back. So by having scars or cuts on your skin it takes this fear to a much higher level. If the person self injuring isn't doing it on their arms but instead their stomach or their legs. They can't wear a bikini to the beach, they have to see their body when they get dressed, they feel those scars and cuts when they're in the shower. You can be insecure about self injury even if it's not visible to those around you, you're seeing it and that's enough to really upset a person. And I believe it's this way for every person who self injures but each person handles it differently. They all have scars but how they choose to live with it is entirely up to them, hide it or let it show.


This is a video I found on youtube of a girl having a laser treatment done for the first time. She is trying to fade the scars she has from self injury as much as possible. She also posts some before and after pictures that show her progress.

 

Levels of Self Injury Through Photos

Just a quick glimpse at the different levels of severity. It is after we see the pictures that we can start asking questions such as:
If someone has minimal scarring/wounds are they more prone to hiding it or being more open with it?
Compared to..
If someone has severe scarring/wounds are they more prone to hiding it or being open with it?
Also...
Do women feel the same about this as men do?

Through this blog I hope to answer these questions through more observation of the page.

The following images are of types of self injury and the severity of people's cases. Some images are graphic so just be aware of that ahead of time.

Cutting/Scratching

less severe, heals quickly, easier to cover up

Moderately severe, not as easy to hide, they draw more attention especially on the arms

Severe, often requires stitches, difficult to cover

(very graphic but this is where those scars start)

                                               

Burning

Just an example of the scar differences

Self Embedding

One of the easiest forms of SI to hide because objects are literally inserted under the skin

(X-Ray of an arm)

 Both women and men struggle with this...

 These are just images to give you an idea of what my blog is about. Even though scarring is a very basic term, a lot can stem from it and I want to say now that these images were not found on the facebook page I'm observing. These are examples I found on google to let everyone see there's more to it than cutting or a few scars. And the last bit, men do self injure even though it's not talked about as much, just a little bit of information.

Living and Coping with Self Harm Scars

Many people who self injure hide their cuts and scars. Scars and cuts are often seen as a weakness or evidence of some flaw. Others however don't go out of their way to change the way they live just to cover something up. When the person is out in public people do sometimes make comments or ask questions while others glare or shake their heads. So one of the most important parts of the life of the average self injurer is the ability to mask their secret. In the summer time it becomes difficult to wear long sleeves but it's the norm in a way for self injurers. I found this video on youtube about living and coping with self harm scars, it was made by a young woman who has some very prominent scars on her arms, face, and neck and she was brave enough to share the pictures during the video. What this girl is doing, is learning to live with it not around it. She offers advice on clothing especially for warm weather but what it's really great about her is that she says you should just live with them and accept yourself. She was offered the chance to have plastic surgery to remove them and she accepted the offer but she makes it clear that she is not ashamed of her scars but they do remind her of bad memories so she wants to at least remove some of the scarring. I really like how she views scars by saying you're still a beautiful person even if you have marks on your body. It's not a sign of weakness to her but a sign that you made it through and the only way to move on past it is to accept yourself for who you are. She is incredibly confident for someone in her case meaning someone with that much scarring. This is something I'd like to touch upon more with the facebook page how does self injury affect confidence and self esteem? In her case, at one point it was bringing her down but she didn't let it. She has more videos related to mental health and self injury if you want to check out her youtube channel.

Discussion with KK

I recently spoke with a member of the Facebook page for self injury awareness. To maintain her privacy I’ve decided to only use her initials. The set up is like an interview since we were on Facebook chat.

-Interview-

EG (me)- So you can start with how old you are, what country you’re from and any background if you want to share. And about your self-harm, how old were you when you started, what kind, things like that. Go into as little or as much detail as you like.

KK- Okay. I am 20. From the US. Lived in Seattle area until about 14, then moved to Tennessee. Now I’m going to college in Indiana. My parents divorced when I was 13 and my mom moved a year later -- that’s why I moved.

I started self harming at about 11. My depression got bad for the first time when I was 8. I was suicidal at that point--it went up and down for a few years (still is to tell you the truth). Anyways. I had a few friends who tried cutting. One told me that she felt like her emotions were a gas tank. It was on full before she cut and on empty after she cut.

One night a couple of weeks later my emotions were totally out of control and that sounded really nice. I was 11 and my parents and family were in a rough spot—no one to turn to really but my other 11 year old friends who knew as much as I did about life.

I didn’t want scars. I still don’t. So for the first few years I used pins. Dragging them across my skin or poking myself. I avoided and avoid drawing blood. I didn’t want to leave any proof of my self-harm… to me that seemed like proof of my own inadequacy. And I was going out of my way to hide that.

I keep my nails long to dig them into my skin. Also I have a problem with biting myself, and slapping.

I tried to stop around 13. My sister found out I was cutting and I found out she was bulimic, so we agreed to stop together. My depression was better through high school because I had a large support group and tight-knit friends.

The depressions hit hard again in college when I lost that. I’ve been struggling with it again since the beginning of my freshman year. Last Christmas it was especially bad—I even bled a few times, which I already told you I don’t like—and I was suicidal. That’s when I decided I needed help. So, now I’ve been on meds and therapy for a few months and it’s really helping. Still sometimes I want to self-injure and even have had a few suicidal days but it’s so much better than it was.

EG- Well you’ve certainly come a long way. You’re getting help. That’s a big step for most self injurers.

KK- And… that’s pretty much my story. I mean, sometimes I let myself fall down when I know I could catch myself. I enjoy my own bruises but I don’t go out of my way to cause bruises. I just like to poke them after—it’s like a guilt-free kind of self injury. But as far as self injury goes that’s my story. It was really hard. Took me a lot of years to ask for help.

Anyways, do you have any questions?

EG- I find your story very interesting. Most people with SI will make scars and hide behind them but you don’t do that. I just think it’s interesting. Do any of the marks you have impact how you feel about yourself? In other words, if you think of your body as a whole, were you afraid of scarring or afraid of people really seeing it and labeling you or something like that? Sometimes cutting leads to low self esteem and people hide but others don’t let it get the best of them.

KK- Well I do have stretch marks and I really hate those. I have some burn scars I’ve always been fond of—I guess they make me feel like I’m tougher. Whenever I leave marks on myself (like indentations from my finger nails) I feel guilty and try to hide them until they are gone. I don’t want anyone to see—so that does impact my self esteem.

But since I’ve always kept my mark temporary I don’t think it’s had a long term effect on my body image.

EG- Do other people ever say anything about any of it? If they see a scar how do they react?

KK- Definitely on my self esteem though—just because I feel weak because I have to do it

And about other people—

Most of the people who know are supportive-actually most are people who struggle or struggled with SI at some point.

I have a fiancé who I was really finicky about it with…I was always afraid to show him my scars but he was always supportive and told me I was beautiful—It’s helped a lot to have him around. But I hide my scars from strangers so I don’t get many random remarks.

EG- That’s great that you have a supportive group of people including what sounds like a wonderful fiancé. One of my main aspects of this blog is that you can feel beautiful, and you saying that really brings it out of the darkness for a change. Is there anything else you’d like to add? Anything at all?

KK- Um. Well, when I’m trying not to cut I like to do other physical things. A workout that might hurt a little or a hot shower—just the physical feeling helps get the tension out a little.

I think my self-injury is more related to the anxiety than the depression, for me anyways. When I’m panicking it’s a coping mechanism.

I avoided scars because I knew ahead of time it would hurt my body image, and because some of my depression was related to not wanting people to worry about me, which meant I had to hide it all. It also meant not asking for help, which just hurt everyone more in the long run.

-End Interview-

Freewrite

Talking with KK brought up a slightly different take on self injury. She began at a very young age with little knowledge of self injury. When she started she knew scars are typically the result of self injury so she chose to use pins to make smaller temporary marks and she rarely drew blood. Talking with her really gave me the impression that even though her type of self injury was seemingly less severe it was really a big issue for her that needed to be addressed. Not only was she cutting but biting and slapping as well which doesn't leave scars, again avoiding permanent marks. When asked about scarring she responded by saying, I never wanted scars and I still don’t. To her scars were a sign of some kind of flaw, a flaw that would draw attention to her which was another issue she faced of not wanting people to worry about her. For the scars she does have she hides them from strangers but not from those close to her. KK is in therapy and on medication now which is helping her make great strides in her mental health and self injury.

I found it so interesting because she is a self injurer but she was able to stop and think about the end results being scars so instead she made smaller injuries that would heal faster but the internal “wounds” were still there. So she was suffering on the inside but not as much on the outside. Normally people don’t think that way and just go ahead and do as they please. The body is a canvas, a large fleshy spread of skin. Our actions are often reflected on that canvas. For the self injure there are different choices of how, where, and what to use. This confusing to some but this really happens. What KK decided to do was in a way smart because she was saving herself from damage mentally and physically down the road.  I really enjoyed talking with KK and I wish her all the best and I appreciate her help with this.

Observation 1

The moment I clicked on the Facebook Page I'm transported to a world that makes some people uneasy and nervous while for others it is a safe zone, one they can be comfortable in. Self Injury Awareness is a page dedicated to awareness and support for self injury of all kinds and even though it has only just over 500 members that's what makes it special, it's a community. The cover image (the banner like image at the top of the new Facebook pages) is blue skies with words reading, "None of your scars can make me love you any less." I see this and think to myself, this banner is being used to welcome people. People read this and can relate to wanting to be loved even with scars. Just the image alone can bring someone to join the page, it's like a welcome mat for the page. The page has scattered comments and posts, many about March 1st being Self Injury Awareness Day in which people posted words of encouragement and love.

Facebook Posts:
VW: I want to send love to all silent sufferers and love to all who dared to speak.
FK: I just want people to realize what it (self injury) really is.

But for today's updates I see a photo someone posted of their arm clear of scars thanks to Maderma scar 
gel and on her wrist she wrote fighter. This is where my idea of self injury and the body come in. Some people use cocoa butter which takes much more time to work or they use a number of different scar gels such as Maderma which is a big one in scar removal. So just one of the many ways to get rid of scars because it is far cheaper than having laser surgeries done. This girl clearly wanted her scars gone she did not want to live them plastered on her skin. Perhaps because her scars were on her wrist and arm which is visible she felt more driven to get rid of those scars and obviously she was prepared for a long slow process because scar gels take up to 8 months to work. Of course we don't know the severity of the wounds or how long she had them for but obviously she wanted them gone.

I think we all want to be perfect in some way. To be thin and pretty. To have a perfectly constructed face. To have long soft hair. Rarely do you hear someone say I want perfect skin so I can have my life back.

To start...

The goal of my blog is to provide the average person with some knowledge about how scars and wounds from self injury impact a persons self image. Does it make that person feel ugly? Do they feel at peace with their marks? Are they ashamed? Are they proud? I will also be asking about how they feel when others approach them about their marks? Does that affect self image as well? To do this I am observing a Facebook page dedicated to self injury awareness and support. Using one on one discussions as well as observing wall posts and pictures uploaded we can see how SI impacts the human body and ones self image.
Self injury is probably one of the most misunderstood things in our society and it's easy to judge someone who does it but that's not the right thing to do, ever. I have a great understanding about this activity but I want this to be from the side of the page members, not me, not a doctor or professional. So here it is.