One on One with JS

I recently got a man's point of view on self injury and the body. Instead of a back and forth interview I sent him a list of questions and let him answer them the best he could so it is in a different format. To keep everything private I'll refer to him as JS.

JS: My story-- Short story is my wife left me and I'm hurting. The stress from that plus losing my job and house broke me. I say I'm broken because what I do.

How do I hurt myself?
I started out by rubbing my head when I'm down and losing my mind. Then the rubbing turns into scratching myself. Sometimes I knew I was doing it sometimes I didn't. I would scratch until I felt blood. I would feel the blood before I felt the pain. Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I started cutting myself last year, and I still do.

Visible scars? 
Yes I do I cut on my arms with a box cutter.

How do I view my body?
I have always been over weight and have never really like the way I look. I have been working out. I have lost a lot of weight. But yes I think my self esteem is low and has always been low.

Do you hide it (cuts/scars)? 
No not really, cause I cut on my four arms most of the time. I have cut before on my bicep to hide the cuts. But sometimes when I feel like cutting I just don't care. I use to scratch on my four head. You can't really hide those. I look at my scars and I can remember some of them. They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. The low parts.

Have people seen my scars? 
Kinda, they have seen my fresh cuts and scratches. They ask about them and I don't really answer them. It would freak them out to much if I told them.

Change about my body? 
I want to be fit. I think bring fit would raise my confidence more around other people.

There is one more thing, for some reason I take pictures of my cuts. I don't know why I'm doing that. Maybe it's to hold on to something. Also now I get the urge to want to cut on stuff I use to be able to handle before. I know I'm still down about my wife leaving me. Maybe that's why I get the urge. I'm always on the point of breaking.

EG: From a male's perspective do you feel as if you view your scars and cuts in a different way compared to women? Women tend to be very insecure about scars for the most part, so how do you feel about that from your perspective? Do they make you uncomfortable to see them on your body?

JS: My scars don't bother me that much until someone see them. I don't like trying to explain them. Sometimes though I look at them and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self?
So I guess I go back and forth on that feeling. Sometimes it bothers me sometimes it doesn't.

End Interview

Talking with JS opened another door in my whole discussion of self injury. While most people I observe or talk to one on one prefer to hide their self injury as if its a big secret or something to be ashamed of, JS isn't entirely like that. He is well aware of what he's doing and even though he finds it hard to speak to people who ask questions he still cuts in a very visible place and he doesn't cover it. Now, there isn't anything wrong or bad about this because every self injurer is different. Some choose to hide it, some choose to accept it as part of their life and if someone doesn't like it then that's that persons problem. JS was very open with me by telling me all of this and I'm very happy to have been able to talk with him. Some of the things he said really stuck out. He began his self injury problem with scratching his head until it bled and he felt pain, then he says, Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I found this to be interesting because I feel like a lot of people start doing it this way, it feels right. Now for the average person this sounds crazy but if you're in the right mind set then it could feel right to cut. Some people smoke, some drink, and some cut. he went on to discuss his story a little further and then while discussing his scars said, They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. This is another thing many people say to describe their scars but he put it beautifully. To many, scars tell a story but JS worded it in a way that shows how his scars are a story and the rings of a tree are always growing so in a way his story and his struggle is a growing life experience whether it's good or bad. JS takes pictures of his cuts and while some people may say that's not normal, it's a way for him to hold onto something like a piece of evidence. It's so interesting how different people are with this topic. I didn't see much a gender difference with self injury when comparing my interviews. I don't really believe that men deal with it any different than a woman does except for maybe a man feeling for macho about it but when talking with JS I didn't get that feeling at all. He is simply a man struggling with SI and doing the best he can and I think that's the best thing a person can do aside from getting professional help. The last thing I would like to mention is what he said at the end of our discussion. Sometimes though I look at them (scars/cuts) and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self? It takes a lot for a self injurer to be able to take a step back and ask themselves that. There isn't always a perfect answer, sometimes there's no answer at all and sometimes we have an answer but we're too scared to say it. Any alcoholic or drug addict can ask themselves the same question and the cold hard truth is that at some point you need to come up with an answer no matter how scary it is or how much it hurts. Thank you JS for your help, it was wonderful talking to you.

Online Support Forums: Good or Bad

(one of the many pictures you can find by searching self injury on Google)

The support page itself is very quiet and I wanted to take a look into the pro's and con's of online forums for self injury support. So I stepped outside of Facebook and searched online and found a very interesting article on this subject exactly.
Using an online forum support can be beneficial for a number of reasons. One of the main positive effects of these forums is the decrease of stigma associated with SI through the internet. Typically when a self injurer is "Called out" on their behavior it is clear to see the stigma that surround them. They are seen as emo kids or social outcasts. However by creating an online profile and posting it on the world wide web, you've entered a world where no one knows you. You can seek out peer support and take whatever advice you want. Many forums offer chat rooms where you can go to distract you from the urge to self injure while other pages offer games and puzzles as distractions. There are literally thousands of online resources available which can also be a plus because you have so many choices. However this can be counteracted when we look at the increase in social isolation. Self injurers tend to isolate in general however when you factor in the internet you are literally one in 5 or 6 million and the support you're getting is peer support not professional support. Another major downfall that many people don't realize is that most of these sites allow users to post video's and photos of self injury related things ranging from fresh cuts and burns to bloody razors and even video of clips of self injury being done. This is what I find to be the biggest set back to using internet support because you really never know what it is you're getting yourself into. So how can we relate this issue back to the idea of self injury and the body? It is hard to answer this without some first hand accounts of it which I unfortunately do not have right now. From my prospective however I think using the internet for support allows the person more freedom with their struggles, if they have the urge to show what they've done or tell their story (which happens with a lot of people who simply can't contain it)they can write posts and post images. If they're normally afraid to expose themselves this gives them the chance to put themselves out there and in many cases the person may be hiding it but secretly they want help or they want someone to say something to them to give them reason to seek help. Of course this is my opinion on it and I'm trying to find some people to talk to about it. So my final stance on this topic is that there are positives to using online support but I think there is a point where you have to step back into reality and seek actual help preferably professional help.

Here is the link to the article.

http://www.socialworker.com/home/Feature_Articles/Professional_Development_&_Advancement/Impact_of_the_Internet_on_Self-Injurious_Behaviors/

Do scars make us who we are?

Although the page has been extremely quiet over the past couple of weeks I have contacted another member and I plan on speaking with him soon. Meanwhile I thought it would be interesting to do a freewrite on one of the photos in the “pictures’ tab. The photo is of a piece of paper possibly stuck on a piece of glass. The paper reads “Every scar I have makes me who I am”. So far in this ethnography it’s easy to see that a lot of people are ashamed or do not make any of their scars visible. But I question myself on that because are they really ashamed and is it something that embarrassing to the person? I myself do not believe scars are something that need to be hidden forever but I understand that at first it is a frightening thought and you feel vulnerable. But eventually this feeling passes whether it’s days, weeks, months, or years but it does happen. No matter what it is that caused that scar; self injury, an accident, or anything really that scar does make you who you are. In a way it is a reminder of whatever it is that happened and reminders can be a painful experience but in another way the scar is prove that you were injured but that you made it out alive. Now we can ask ourselves, what is the logic behind any of this? From my perspective, there is no logic. Every human being is unique in how they approach something like this. I’ve met many cutters in the past and not one of them is the same at the others. Some of them are comfortable with showing their scars and some of them wouldn’t dare to take off their sweater. Because of all this, it’s hard to pinpoint the “why” but really that’s not what should be the focus in discussions based on self injury. Instead the focus should be on the individual not the entire self injuring body. When we can address the individual person then we can figure out the details. So when I saw the photo of the piece of paper I remembered the words of someone I met a few years ago. She was a self injurer and during one of our conversations she said, my scars are evidence that I survived. So if you fell off your bike and cut your face, or if you deliberately harmed yourself either way you have a scar that is a reminder of that event and a reminder that you survived.