Self Injury As An Addiction

The next topic I want to discuss with this blog is self injury as an addiction. When someone is cutting, burning, purging, etc, they are using it as a coping mechanism. When someone drinks alcohol to become drunk or drugs to get high they are also using that as a coping mechanism. So when we put the two together side by side we can see that self injury can be addiction just like drugs and alcohol. People who cut often describe their cutting as an addiction because they become to used to the feeling that they can't stop. From a personal prospective I agree with that entirely. It can take years of fighting it and yet people still can't stop. It's is something familiar, something they find comfort in, and they simply cannot stop. I look forward to speaking with people about their experiences.
-Emily

Returning to the blog

This blog began as a way for me to let others see the truth behind self injury. It means something different to every person. Some want pain, others want release, and others feel like it's the only way to feel normal. This blog was for a class, just a few months, once or twice a week. I had no idea how many people I would be helping, how many people would be reading this like a book waiting for a real conclusion. I've decided to start again, or continue from where I left off. Please share this with others whether they need help themselves or you know someone who needs to understand self injury. I thank you for reading this, it's inspired me to write about self injury again and it's something very close to me.
To continue the blog I will ask a new question to follow up from Self Injury and the Body. When I find more information I will write again and I hope you're all here to read it.
-Emily

Analysis

photo from the fb page

Much ground has been covered throughout this ethnography but a main thread I want to address is how a self injurer lives and copes with their scars and cuts. Every person deals with it in a certain way because we all have different levels of comfort and self acceptance. In some cases people go to all lengths to hide what they've done because they are ashamed, embarrassed, or insecure. By wearing long sleeve shirts and sweaters year round they provide some form of a safety net for themselves. As we saw with KK, she was well aware of the fact that she would have scars so she scratched instead so the healing process would be quick and easy to hide. To this day she keeps any visible marks covered. She lives with those marks, they are a part of her and always will be. With KL she was more upfront with her experience with cutting. She began as a need for attention in a sibling dominated world and as she got older she needed something less visible and turning to sleep medication gave her just that. She lives with self injury by taking on a silent approach and one could argue that she's not living with it, she's surviving it. Some of her scarring is covered by tattoos but even layers of ink cannot cover an insecurity so big. JS was entirely different, he has the ability to go through life with scars and cuts out in the open. If someone asks about the marks he changes the subject or simply doesn't answer. His marks are like rings of a tree, they're part of him and he lives with them as a reminder that sometimes makes him and stop and think about what he's doing to himself.

When I look back at my observations of the facebook page it is easy to see that the page is used as a coping mechanism. A place where you can find uplifting quotes and pictures, helpful wall posts that get you through the day, and where you can ask for help and someone will always be there to help answer. Hundreds of members scan the page daily just to see what it has to offer. While the page itself is not a substitute for a therapist, it is a perfect place to seek refuge in between appointments, or during those days where you need a pick me up or some advice. It is an important factor in living with self injury. A typical self injurer is much stronger than he or she thinks they are. It takes a lot to go days or weeks or even months wearing long sleeves especially in hot weather, it takes a lot to hide behind a fake smile, and it takes a lot to be able to look at their scars and say I am me and I am beautiful. Every self injurer is different. They do it on different levels, different body parts, with different objects but the end result will always be a cut/burn and a scar of some sort. Self injury affects the body in multiple ways and it is because of this that coping is so important. The hardest part is being able to get through every day of your life with those marks on your skin and that is what coping with and living with SI is really about, getting through each day one day at a time because that's all you can do.

One on One with JS

I recently got a man's point of view on self injury and the body. Instead of a back and forth interview I sent him a list of questions and let him answer them the best he could so it is in a different format. To keep everything private I'll refer to him as JS.

JS: My story-- Short story is my wife left me and I'm hurting. The stress from that plus losing my job and house broke me. I say I'm broken because what I do.

How do I hurt myself?
I started out by rubbing my head when I'm down and losing my mind. Then the rubbing turns into scratching myself. Sometimes I knew I was doing it sometimes I didn't. I would scratch until I felt blood. I would feel the blood before I felt the pain. Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I started cutting myself last year, and I still do.

Visible scars? 
Yes I do I cut on my arms with a box cutter.

How do I view my body?
I have always been over weight and have never really like the way I look. I have been working out. I have lost a lot of weight. But yes I think my self esteem is low and has always been low.

Do you hide it (cuts/scars)? 
No not really, cause I cut on my four arms most of the time. I have cut before on my bicep to hide the cuts. But sometimes when I feel like cutting I just don't care. I use to scratch on my four head. You can't really hide those. I look at my scars and I can remember some of them. They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. The low parts.

Have people seen my scars? 
Kinda, they have seen my fresh cuts and scratches. They ask about them and I don't really answer them. It would freak them out to much if I told them.

Change about my body? 
I want to be fit. I think bring fit would raise my confidence more around other people.

There is one more thing, for some reason I take pictures of my cuts. I don't know why I'm doing that. Maybe it's to hold on to something. Also now I get the urge to want to cut on stuff I use to be able to handle before. I know I'm still down about my wife leaving me. Maybe that's why I get the urge. I'm always on the point of breaking.

EG: From a male's perspective do you feel as if you view your scars and cuts in a different way compared to women? Women tend to be very insecure about scars for the most part, so how do you feel about that from your perspective? Do they make you uncomfortable to see them on your body?

JS: My scars don't bother me that much until someone see them. I don't like trying to explain them. Sometimes though I look at them and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self?
So I guess I go back and forth on that feeling. Sometimes it bothers me sometimes it doesn't.

End Interview

Talking with JS opened another door in my whole discussion of self injury. While most people I observe or talk to one on one prefer to hide their self injury as if its a big secret or something to be ashamed of, JS isn't entirely like that. He is well aware of what he's doing and even though he finds it hard to speak to people who ask questions he still cuts in a very visible place and he doesn't cover it. Now, there isn't anything wrong or bad about this because every self injurer is different. Some choose to hide it, some choose to accept it as part of their life and if someone doesn't like it then that's that persons problem. JS was very open with me by telling me all of this and I'm very happy to have been able to talk with him. Some of the things he said really stuck out. He began his self injury problem with scratching his head until it bled and he felt pain, then he says, Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I found this to be interesting because I feel like a lot of people start doing it this way, it feels right. Now for the average person this sounds crazy but if you're in the right mind set then it could feel right to cut. Some people smoke, some drink, and some cut. he went on to discuss his story a little further and then while discussing his scars said, They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. This is another thing many people say to describe their scars but he put it beautifully. To many, scars tell a story but JS worded it in a way that shows how his scars are a story and the rings of a tree are always growing so in a way his story and his struggle is a growing life experience whether it's good or bad. JS takes pictures of his cuts and while some people may say that's not normal, it's a way for him to hold onto something like a piece of evidence. It's so interesting how different people are with this topic. I didn't see much a gender difference with self injury when comparing my interviews. I don't really believe that men deal with it any different than a woman does except for maybe a man feeling for macho about it but when talking with JS I didn't get that feeling at all. He is simply a man struggling with SI and doing the best he can and I think that's the best thing a person can do aside from getting professional help. The last thing I would like to mention is what he said at the end of our discussion. Sometimes though I look at them (scars/cuts) and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self? It takes a lot for a self injurer to be able to take a step back and ask themselves that. There isn't always a perfect answer, sometimes there's no answer at all and sometimes we have an answer but we're too scared to say it. Any alcoholic or drug addict can ask themselves the same question and the cold hard truth is that at some point you need to come up with an answer no matter how scary it is or how much it hurts. Thank you JS for your help, it was wonderful talking to you.

Online Support Forums: Good or Bad

(one of the many pictures you can find by searching self injury on Google)

The support page itself is very quiet and I wanted to take a look into the pro's and con's of online forums for self injury support. So I stepped outside of Facebook and searched online and found a very interesting article on this subject exactly.
Using an online forum support can be beneficial for a number of reasons. One of the main positive effects of these forums is the decrease of stigma associated with SI through the internet. Typically when a self injurer is "Called out" on their behavior it is clear to see the stigma that surround them. They are seen as emo kids or social outcasts. However by creating an online profile and posting it on the world wide web, you've entered a world where no one knows you. You can seek out peer support and take whatever advice you want. Many forums offer chat rooms where you can go to distract you from the urge to self injure while other pages offer games and puzzles as distractions. There are literally thousands of online resources available which can also be a plus because you have so many choices. However this can be counteracted when we look at the increase in social isolation. Self injurers tend to isolate in general however when you factor in the internet you are literally one in 5 or 6 million and the support you're getting is peer support not professional support. Another major downfall that many people don't realize is that most of these sites allow users to post video's and photos of self injury related things ranging from fresh cuts and burns to bloody razors and even video of clips of self injury being done. This is what I find to be the biggest set back to using internet support because you really never know what it is you're getting yourself into. So how can we relate this issue back to the idea of self injury and the body? It is hard to answer this without some first hand accounts of it which I unfortunately do not have right now. From my prospective however I think using the internet for support allows the person more freedom with their struggles, if they have the urge to show what they've done or tell their story (which happens with a lot of people who simply can't contain it)they can write posts and post images. If they're normally afraid to expose themselves this gives them the chance to put themselves out there and in many cases the person may be hiding it but secretly they want help or they want someone to say something to them to give them reason to seek help. Of course this is my opinion on it and I'm trying to find some people to talk to about it. So my final stance on this topic is that there are positives to using online support but I think there is a point where you have to step back into reality and seek actual help preferably professional help.

Here is the link to the article.

http://www.socialworker.com/home/Feature_Articles/Professional_Development_&_Advancement/Impact_of_the_Internet_on_Self-Injurious_Behaviors/

Do scars make us who we are?

Although the page has been extremely quiet over the past couple of weeks I have contacted another member and I plan on speaking with him soon. Meanwhile I thought it would be interesting to do a freewrite on one of the photos in the “pictures’ tab. The photo is of a piece of paper possibly stuck on a piece of glass. The paper reads “Every scar I have makes me who I am”. So far in this ethnography it’s easy to see that a lot of people are ashamed or do not make any of their scars visible. But I question myself on that because are they really ashamed and is it something that embarrassing to the person? I myself do not believe scars are something that need to be hidden forever but I understand that at first it is a frightening thought and you feel vulnerable. But eventually this feeling passes whether it’s days, weeks, months, or years but it does happen. No matter what it is that caused that scar; self injury, an accident, or anything really that scar does make you who you are. In a way it is a reminder of whatever it is that happened and reminders can be a painful experience but in another way the scar is prove that you were injured but that you made it out alive. Now we can ask ourselves, what is the logic behind any of this? From my perspective, there is no logic. Every human being is unique in how they approach something like this. I’ve met many cutters in the past and not one of them is the same at the others. Some of them are comfortable with showing their scars and some of them wouldn’t dare to take off their sweater. Because of all this, it’s hard to pinpoint the “why” but really that’s not what should be the focus in discussions based on self injury. Instead the focus should be on the individual not the entire self injuring body. When we can address the individual person then we can figure out the details. So when I saw the photo of the piece of paper I remembered the words of someone I met a few years ago. She was a self injurer and during one of our conversations she said, my scars are evidence that I survived. So if you fell off your bike and cut your face, or if you deliberately harmed yourself either way you have a scar that is a reminder of that event and a reminder that you survived.

One on One with KL

This is a one on one discussion I had recently with one of the members of the facebook page. Again I'll use her initials to protect her privacy.

EG- how are you?

KL- I am very well - thank you.

EG- Great. So any background you'd like to share. It's up to you, age, and occupation anything you feel comfortable sharing

KL- Currently, unemployed - just babysitting for my brother for a little extra money..I am 29, married since 2003, no children...suffer from depression since I was a teenager...I am very shy and keep to myself - so I do not go out often...what about me would you like to know - I am not embarrassed to share anything - so just ask away.

EG- Alright great! What type(s) of self injury do you or have you done?

KL- I have cut my wrists a lot over the past few years...burned myself with a cigg...I have a huge scar on my left hand from that...I have also ODed on over the counter stuff but not enough that would require a visit to the hospital. So, currently, just abuse medications...I am not a drinker

EG- How old were you when you first stared self injuring

KL- I would have to say around 14 or 15 years old

EG- Why did you start self injuring as a teenager?

KL- I think at first, it was for the attention - I grew up in a home with 5 older siblings but as time went on - I found that the pain it caused on the outside helped alleviate the pain and depression I was feeling on the inside. So, I continued self injuring but made sure people couldn't tell I caused most of the injury - if anyone ever asked about the marks on me - I would find one thing or another to blame - and surprisingly - people always bought my stories. Now, I just do meds - so no one can see what I inflict on myself

EG- Where are the majority of the scars/mark on your body? Arms? Legs? Sides?

KL- Arms - I got tattoo(s) to help cover some of the marks

EG- That's really interesting, I don't know a lot of people that have gotten scars covered with tattoos. Do you feel more comfortable now that they're covered? If so can you explain a little more about why you decided to have them covered?

KL- Quite the opposite really, yes, the tattoos help the overall appearance...but the scars are still noticeable depending on how closely someone looks. I am proud of every scar I inflicted on myself...to me, they are experiences in my life - though, not the proper way to cope according to others...but as I look at them...I think, you have to be a strong person to be able hurt yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person. A bad person to me, is someone who approaches people like me and tells me I am weak and pathetic...I have been to therapy and always felt judged...no one should have to ever feel judged like that

EG- I agree 100%. And you said earlier that to hide your self injury you now abuse pills so it's less obvious. This brings me to another part of the question, how self injury affects the body. By abusing pills would you say it is affecting your body by harming it internally compared to cutting which is external?

KL- Yes, I believe it has caused irreversible damage...I get panic attacks often...I have irregular menstrual cycles - can't seem to have a child - I have miscarried 3 times in the past 3 years (and no, I wouldn't take anything while being pregnant) but for some reason, I can't carry a child beyond 2 months - doesn't help my depression any...the more depressed I feel - the more over the counter sleep meds I take...I fight the effects of anything I take - I guess that is my way of inflicting harm to myself - people can't see it - so I feel safe from be found out or judged...but at the same time, I know I am killing myself-that thought is scary but I can't help it...I feel compelled to keep doing it even though I feel terribly sick while I fight the effects of whatever I took.

EG- I'm sorry to hear about that. That's something no woman wants to ever have to deal with. Why do you think you feel so compelled to continue using the pills? In other words if you really know and really have seen what happens when you abuse them is there a specific reason why you feel so compelled to continue using them

KL- I want nothing more than to just sleep my life away...(just sleep aids)...I hate life...I dislike being in the company of people - I have been picked on, judged, and more thanks to people-it is like I am targeted-for some reason, I always have people who pick on me no matter where I go - I have been through 3 jobs in the past 2 years and I stopped working because I am sick of being put through that. I am quiet and never start problems but it seems I am always other people target. So, I take the pills - the same amount doesn't effect me because I have built up tolerance - so I take more to feel the effects...I guess I continue to do it because it is the only thing I feel I have control of...yes, it makes me ill...but I don't care. If I die - so be it...it is just better than dealing with all my emotional turmoil. No one can help - I have been to therapists - I have learned to keep quiet...keeps me safe from being judged.
Maybe, if I wasn't always picked on - things might have been different...this is a habit that has been going on for 11 years.
I always think about death and being free from all my emotional and financial problems. Well, I hate to cut this short but I have to get going

EG- Thank you so much!

End interview...

What I found interesting about KL is her ability to be very open about pretty much every aspect of her story. She did not hold back about anything and she was more than happy to go into detail whenever possible. She isn't like a lot of the people I have talked to in the past and by this I mean she knows that the behavior she has isn't really safe and could potentially harm her very badly if not kill her but she's at the point where she feels like if that's the case then so be it. We are all different, we all approach situations in different ways, I am not here to talk down to people or make them feel bad but I am here to help people see the reality of self injury. It's a very scary subject for a lot of people especially those who have never encountered it either by themselves or another person. Something to keep in mind more than anything. But back to KL, she started out as a very typical self injurer by cutting and as she grew she realized she didn't want to draw attention to herself and switched to abusing sleep aids as a silent treatment for her emotions. KL also got tattoos done over her scars to cover them as much as possible but even with a deep layer of ink you can still see the marks if you're close enough. I really enjoyed talking with KL because she was honest about the fact she was made fun of as a child, how she may have started cutting as a way for attention, how she's struggled with depression, miscarriages, losing her job and abusing over the counter medications. She knew she had scars and she wasn't afraid to admit it and try to cover them. Is covering them a sign of being ashamed of them? Not necessarily. Having scars is one thing but having visible scars is another. is not only what people see but it's what you see and if you don't like what you see then you can cover it even if it's just enough to not make them as noticeable. We can take KL as an example of the self injurer who truly wants to hide their self injury. She basically took something external and made it strictly internal. This isn't just figuratively but literally, abusing medications hurts your body in many ways but for someone who seems to have given up this state of mind and body is okay. KL takes it day by day and she's not afraid to say it. I really enjoyed talking with KL and I wish her all the best.