Discussion with KK

I recently spoke with a member of the Facebook page for self injury awareness. To maintain her privacy I’ve decided to only use her initials. The set up is like an interview since we were on Facebook chat.

-Interview-

EG (me)- So you can start with how old you are, what country you’re from and any background if you want to share. And about your self-harm, how old were you when you started, what kind, things like that. Go into as little or as much detail as you like.

KK- Okay. I am 20. From the US. Lived in Seattle area until about 14, then moved to Tennessee. Now I’m going to college in Indiana. My parents divorced when I was 13 and my mom moved a year later -- that’s why I moved.

I started self harming at about 11. My depression got bad for the first time when I was 8. I was suicidal at that point--it went up and down for a few years (still is to tell you the truth). Anyways. I had a few friends who tried cutting. One told me that she felt like her emotions were a gas tank. It was on full before she cut and on empty after she cut.

One night a couple of weeks later my emotions were totally out of control and that sounded really nice. I was 11 and my parents and family were in a rough spot—no one to turn to really but my other 11 year old friends who knew as much as I did about life.

I didn’t want scars. I still don’t. So for the first few years I used pins. Dragging them across my skin or poking myself. I avoided and avoid drawing blood. I didn’t want to leave any proof of my self-harm… to me that seemed like proof of my own inadequacy. And I was going out of my way to hide that.

I keep my nails long to dig them into my skin. Also I have a problem with biting myself, and slapping.

I tried to stop around 13. My sister found out I was cutting and I found out she was bulimic, so we agreed to stop together. My depression was better through high school because I had a large support group and tight-knit friends.

The depressions hit hard again in college when I lost that. I’ve been struggling with it again since the beginning of my freshman year. Last Christmas it was especially bad—I even bled a few times, which I already told you I don’t like—and I was suicidal. That’s when I decided I needed help. So, now I’ve been on meds and therapy for a few months and it’s really helping. Still sometimes I want to self-injure and even have had a few suicidal days but it’s so much better than it was.

EG- Well you’ve certainly come a long way. You’re getting help. That’s a big step for most self injurers.

KK- And… that’s pretty much my story. I mean, sometimes I let myself fall down when I know I could catch myself. I enjoy my own bruises but I don’t go out of my way to cause bruises. I just like to poke them after—it’s like a guilt-free kind of self injury. But as far as self injury goes that’s my story. It was really hard. Took me a lot of years to ask for help.

Anyways, do you have any questions?

EG- I find your story very interesting. Most people with SI will make scars and hide behind them but you don’t do that. I just think it’s interesting. Do any of the marks you have impact how you feel about yourself? In other words, if you think of your body as a whole, were you afraid of scarring or afraid of people really seeing it and labeling you or something like that? Sometimes cutting leads to low self esteem and people hide but others don’t let it get the best of them.

KK- Well I do have stretch marks and I really hate those. I have some burn scars I’ve always been fond of—I guess they make me feel like I’m tougher. Whenever I leave marks on myself (like indentations from my finger nails) I feel guilty and try to hide them until they are gone. I don’t want anyone to see—so that does impact my self esteem.

But since I’ve always kept my mark temporary I don’t think it’s had a long term effect on my body image.

EG- Do other people ever say anything about any of it? If they see a scar how do they react?

KK- Definitely on my self esteem though—just because I feel weak because I have to do it

And about other people—

Most of the people who know are supportive-actually most are people who struggle or struggled with SI at some point.

I have a fiancé who I was really finicky about it with…I was always afraid to show him my scars but he was always supportive and told me I was beautiful—It’s helped a lot to have him around. But I hide my scars from strangers so I don’t get many random remarks.

EG- That’s great that you have a supportive group of people including what sounds like a wonderful fiancé. One of my main aspects of this blog is that you can feel beautiful, and you saying that really brings it out of the darkness for a change. Is there anything else you’d like to add? Anything at all?

KK- Um. Well, when I’m trying not to cut I like to do other physical things. A workout that might hurt a little or a hot shower—just the physical feeling helps get the tension out a little.

I think my self-injury is more related to the anxiety than the depression, for me anyways. When I’m panicking it’s a coping mechanism.

I avoided scars because I knew ahead of time it would hurt my body image, and because some of my depression was related to not wanting people to worry about me, which meant I had to hide it all. It also meant not asking for help, which just hurt everyone more in the long run.

-End Interview-

Freewrite

Talking with KK brought up a slightly different take on self injury. She began at a very young age with little knowledge of self injury. When she started she knew scars are typically the result of self injury so she chose to use pins to make smaller temporary marks and she rarely drew blood. Talking with her really gave me the impression that even though her type of self injury was seemingly less severe it was really a big issue for her that needed to be addressed. Not only was she cutting but biting and slapping as well which doesn't leave scars, again avoiding permanent marks. When asked about scarring she responded by saying, I never wanted scars and I still don’t. To her scars were a sign of some kind of flaw, a flaw that would draw attention to her which was another issue she faced of not wanting people to worry about her. For the scars she does have she hides them from strangers but not from those close to her. KK is in therapy and on medication now which is helping her make great strides in her mental health and self injury.

I found it so interesting because she is a self injurer but she was able to stop and think about the end results being scars so instead she made smaller injuries that would heal faster but the internal “wounds” were still there. So she was suffering on the inside but not as much on the outside. Normally people don’t think that way and just go ahead and do as they please. The body is a canvas, a large fleshy spread of skin. Our actions are often reflected on that canvas. For the self injure there are different choices of how, where, and what to use. This confusing to some but this really happens. What KK decided to do was in a way smart because she was saving herself from damage mentally and physically down the road.  I really enjoyed talking with KK and I wish her all the best and I appreciate her help with this.