One on One with JS

I recently got a man's point of view on self injury and the body. Instead of a back and forth interview I sent him a list of questions and let him answer them the best he could so it is in a different format. To keep everything private I'll refer to him as JS.

JS: My story-- Short story is my wife left me and I'm hurting. The stress from that plus losing my job and house broke me. I say I'm broken because what I do.

How do I hurt myself?
I started out by rubbing my head when I'm down and losing my mind. Then the rubbing turns into scratching myself. Sometimes I knew I was doing it sometimes I didn't. I would scratch until I felt blood. I would feel the blood before I felt the pain. Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I started cutting myself last year, and I still do.

Visible scars? 
Yes I do I cut on my arms with a box cutter.

How do I view my body?
I have always been over weight and have never really like the way I look. I have been working out. I have lost a lot of weight. But yes I think my self esteem is low and has always been low.

Do you hide it (cuts/scars)? 
No not really, cause I cut on my four arms most of the time. I have cut before on my bicep to hide the cuts. But sometimes when I feel like cutting I just don't care. I use to scratch on my four head. You can't really hide those. I look at my scars and I can remember some of them. They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. The low parts.

Have people seen my scars? 
Kinda, they have seen my fresh cuts and scratches. They ask about them and I don't really answer them. It would freak them out to much if I told them.

Change about my body? 
I want to be fit. I think bring fit would raise my confidence more around other people.

There is one more thing, for some reason I take pictures of my cuts. I don't know why I'm doing that. Maybe it's to hold on to something. Also now I get the urge to want to cut on stuff I use to be able to handle before. I know I'm still down about my wife leaving me. Maybe that's why I get the urge. I'm always on the point of breaking.

EG: From a male's perspective do you feel as if you view your scars and cuts in a different way compared to women? Women tend to be very insecure about scars for the most part, so how do you feel about that from your perspective? Do they make you uncomfortable to see them on your body?

JS: My scars don't bother me that much until someone see them. I don't like trying to explain them. Sometimes though I look at them and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self?
So I guess I go back and forth on that feeling. Sometimes it bothers me sometimes it doesn't.

End Interview

Talking with JS opened another door in my whole discussion of self injury. While most people I observe or talk to one on one prefer to hide their self injury as if its a big secret or something to be ashamed of, JS isn't entirely like that. He is well aware of what he's doing and even though he finds it hard to speak to people who ask questions he still cuts in a very visible place and he doesn't cover it. Now, there isn't anything wrong or bad about this because every self injurer is different. Some choose to hide it, some choose to accept it as part of their life and if someone doesn't like it then that's that persons problem. JS was very open with me by telling me all of this and I'm very happy to have been able to talk with him. Some of the things he said really stuck out. He began his self injury problem with scratching his head until it bled and he felt pain, then he says, Then one day I said to myself "I want to cut" it felt right to want to do this. I found this to be interesting because I feel like a lot of people start doing it this way, it feels right. Now for the average person this sounds crazy but if you're in the right mind set then it could feel right to cut. Some people smoke, some drink, and some cut. he went on to discuss his story a little further and then while discussing his scars said, They are like rings on a tree, they mark a timeline in my life. This is another thing many people say to describe their scars but he put it beautifully. To many, scars tell a story but JS worded it in a way that shows how his scars are a story and the rings of a tree are always growing so in a way his story and his struggle is a growing life experience whether it's good or bad. JS takes pictures of his cuts and while some people may say that's not normal, it's a way for him to hold onto something like a piece of evidence. It's so interesting how different people are with this topic. I didn't see much a gender difference with self injury when comparing my interviews. I don't really believe that men deal with it any different than a woman does except for maybe a man feeling for macho about it but when talking with JS I didn't get that feeling at all. He is simply a man struggling with SI and doing the best he can and I think that's the best thing a person can do aside from getting professional help. The last thing I would like to mention is what he said at the end of our discussion. Sometimes though I look at them (scars/cuts) and ask myself what the hell are you doing to your self? It takes a lot for a self injurer to be able to take a step back and ask themselves that. There isn't always a perfect answer, sometimes there's no answer at all and sometimes we have an answer but we're too scared to say it. Any alcoholic or drug addict can ask themselves the same question and the cold hard truth is that at some point you need to come up with an answer no matter how scary it is or how much it hurts. Thank you JS for your help, it was wonderful talking to you.