One on One with KL

This is a one on one discussion I had recently with one of the members of the facebook page. Again I'll use her initials to protect her privacy.

EG- how are you?

KL- I am very well - thank you.

EG- Great. So any background you'd like to share. It's up to you, age, and occupation anything you feel comfortable sharing

KL- Currently, unemployed - just babysitting for my brother for a little extra money..I am 29, married since 2003, no children...suffer from depression since I was a teenager...I am very shy and keep to myself - so I do not go out often...what about me would you like to know - I am not embarrassed to share anything - so just ask away.

EG- Alright great! What type(s) of self injury do you or have you done?

KL- I have cut my wrists a lot over the past few years...burned myself with a cigg...I have a huge scar on my left hand from that...I have also ODed on over the counter stuff but not enough that would require a visit to the hospital. So, currently, just abuse medications...I am not a drinker

EG- How old were you when you first stared self injuring

KL- I would have to say around 14 or 15 years old

EG- Why did you start self injuring as a teenager?

KL- I think at first, it was for the attention - I grew up in a home with 5 older siblings but as time went on - I found that the pain it caused on the outside helped alleviate the pain and depression I was feeling on the inside. So, I continued self injuring but made sure people couldn't tell I caused most of the injury - if anyone ever asked about the marks on me - I would find one thing or another to blame - and surprisingly - people always bought my stories. Now, I just do meds - so no one can see what I inflict on myself

EG- Where are the majority of the scars/mark on your body? Arms? Legs? Sides?

KL- Arms - I got tattoo(s) to help cover some of the marks

EG- That's really interesting, I don't know a lot of people that have gotten scars covered with tattoos. Do you feel more comfortable now that they're covered? If so can you explain a little more about why you decided to have them covered?

KL- Quite the opposite really, yes, the tattoos help the overall appearance...but the scars are still noticeable depending on how closely someone looks. I am proud of every scar I inflicted on myself...to me, they are experiences in my life - though, not the proper way to cope according to others...but as I look at them...I think, you have to be a strong person to be able hurt yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person. A bad person to me, is someone who approaches people like me and tells me I am weak and pathetic...I have been to therapy and always felt judged...no one should have to ever feel judged like that

EG- I agree 100%. And you said earlier that to hide your self injury you now abuse pills so it's less obvious. This brings me to another part of the question, how self injury affects the body. By abusing pills would you say it is affecting your body by harming it internally compared to cutting which is external?

KL- Yes, I believe it has caused irreversible damage...I get panic attacks often...I have irregular menstrual cycles - can't seem to have a child - I have miscarried 3 times in the past 3 years (and no, I wouldn't take anything while being pregnant) but for some reason, I can't carry a child beyond 2 months - doesn't help my depression any...the more depressed I feel - the more over the counter sleep meds I take...I fight the effects of anything I take - I guess that is my way of inflicting harm to myself - people can't see it - so I feel safe from be found out or judged...but at the same time, I know I am killing myself-that thought is scary but I can't help it...I feel compelled to keep doing it even though I feel terribly sick while I fight the effects of whatever I took.

EG- I'm sorry to hear about that. That's something no woman wants to ever have to deal with. Why do you think you feel so compelled to continue using the pills? In other words if you really know and really have seen what happens when you abuse them is there a specific reason why you feel so compelled to continue using them

KL- I want nothing more than to just sleep my life away...(just sleep aids)...I hate life...I dislike being in the company of people - I have been picked on, judged, and more thanks to people-it is like I am targeted-for some reason, I always have people who pick on me no matter where I go - I have been through 3 jobs in the past 2 years and I stopped working because I am sick of being put through that. I am quiet and never start problems but it seems I am always other people target. So, I take the pills - the same amount doesn't effect me because I have built up tolerance - so I take more to feel the effects...I guess I continue to do it because it is the only thing I feel I have control of...yes, it makes me ill...but I don't care. If I die - so be it...it is just better than dealing with all my emotional turmoil. No one can help - I have been to therapists - I have learned to keep quiet...keeps me safe from being judged.
Maybe, if I wasn't always picked on - things might have been different...this is a habit that has been going on for 11 years.
I always think about death and being free from all my emotional and financial problems. Well, I hate to cut this short but I have to get going

EG- Thank you so much!

End interview...

What I found interesting about KL is her ability to be very open about pretty much every aspect of her story. She did not hold back about anything and she was more than happy to go into detail whenever possible. She isn't like a lot of the people I have talked to in the past and by this I mean she knows that the behavior she has isn't really safe and could potentially harm her very badly if not kill her but she's at the point where she feels like if that's the case then so be it. We are all different, we all approach situations in different ways, I am not here to talk down to people or make them feel bad but I am here to help people see the reality of self injury. It's a very scary subject for a lot of people especially those who have never encountered it either by themselves or another person. Something to keep in mind more than anything. But back to KL, she started out as a very typical self injurer by cutting and as she grew she realized she didn't want to draw attention to herself and switched to abusing sleep aids as a silent treatment for her emotions. KL also got tattoos done over her scars to cover them as much as possible but even with a deep layer of ink you can still see the marks if you're close enough. I really enjoyed talking with KL because she was honest about the fact she was made fun of as a child, how she may have started cutting as a way for attention, how she's struggled with depression, miscarriages, losing her job and abusing over the counter medications. She knew she had scars and she wasn't afraid to admit it and try to cover them. Is covering them a sign of being ashamed of them? Not necessarily. Having scars is one thing but having visible scars is another. is not only what people see but it's what you see and if you don't like what you see then you can cover it even if it's just enough to not make them as noticeable. We can take KL as an example of the self injurer who truly wants to hide their self injury. She basically took something external and made it strictly internal. This isn't just figuratively but literally, abusing medications hurts your body in many ways but for someone who seems to have given up this state of mind and body is okay. KL takes it day by day and she's not afraid to say it. I really enjoyed talking with KL and I wish her all the best.